Control

I just had a realization that has taken me many years to arrive at and yet has had so much importance in my life.

My family dynamic was all about control, and therefore maintaining my own control over my life has had this hidden impact. My childhood was under the thumb of a narcissistic parent and then my first marriage was also to a narcissist. So, until I was thirty-two, my only way to exist was to bow to the wishes of those two.

Once I was divorced, I began to set boundaries, although I did not know anything about narcissists at the time. Control became especially important to me. And that devolved into quietly trying to oversee everything. In some ways, it was freeing and extremely useful. In others not so much.

Here is what I realized just the other day. I have had trouble walking for exercise and my daughter gifted me with a pair of walking sticks. Stubbornly refusing to use them, I set this very cool set of collapsible sticks in the backseat of my car for months. Finally, when I was feeling bad trying to walk around San Diego on a road trip, I gave in when she brought out the sticks and the rest of the trip was much easier and nearly pain free.

I have often been offered situations that would have benefitted me, but pride and stubbornness were the winners. The walking sticks made me feel old. Hell, I am old and refusing to use them proved it.

I am not advocating giving up control of many things, because you may just be coming to the point where you are struggling for more control in your life. However, use your best judgement on what is right for you instead of getting your back up for the wrong reasons.

I am listening more now and trying to judge with an open mind. Good luck to anyone else who is going through the change in mindset. Change is good, most of the time.